Swizzle Buys Candy Wrappers
by Candyandsugarysurprises
Summary: A ridiculously hilarious role play I did with my friend Tobikomi in which Swizzle makes a...surprising purchase at Bearded Papa's. Set before the events of "It's Only Programmed" and is not meant to be taken seriously at all.


_(I'm normally heavily against sexualizing a children's movie, but when I saw that scene from "Love At First Hiccup", and thought of all the candy puns, Tobikomi and I could not pass that opportunity up. We always pictured Swizzle to be the crude ladies' man, so here he is. Don't drink anything while you're reading this. You'll spit it out, trust me.)_

* * *

Swizzle Malarkey strode eagerly up toward Bearded Papa's outpost close to the smoldering factory in the distance, a smug, proud smile slid across his face. As he approached the window, he slammed down six coins, and crossed his arms.

The kind man's eyes roved over the little boy and he smiled. Doubtlessly, the boy was here for what all kids came here for: Candy. Why they didn't just eat the land was beyond him, but whatever kept business going.

Behind the boy, King Candy was shopping with his daughter and letting her pick out a soda.

"And what can I get you, son?" Bearded Papa asked.

The green-haired boy again smirked, and cackled a little, one brow raising as he stared eye-to-eye with the cute, creampuff man.

"Hellloo, mister. I'd like some chick-o-slickers, please."

He frowned at the confused glance the old man gave him.

King Candy's back was turned, but the soda he was holding in his hand lowered in indication he was listening intently to what was going on.

Bearded Papa only crooked a bushy, whipped cream eye brow at him. "I'm sorry, what do you need?"

The blue-clothed kid's frown deepened at the question, and his look of smug pride twisted into one of an unbelieving proportions.

"Cmon. Glob-stoppers? _Cream-clotters?_"

The bearded old man gave him even more looks of confusion, and with that, Swizzle spoke up, with a huff in his voice and a stomp of his foot.

"THE THINGS YOU USE WHEN YOU'RE POPPIN' YOUR GIRL'S CHERRY!"

With that there was the sound of a clatter as King Candy let his soda fall to the ground, and the subtle snapping sound in Bearded Papa's head that was probably his mind.

The man gaped for several moments, staring down at this little kid and gripping the counter so he wouldn't fall.

"Girls have cherries?" Vanellope asked her father.

"Hush up, child!" King Candy squeaked.

Swizzle's smile piped up again when he heard Vanellope speak behind him, and he rested his arms on the counter, pushing forward his coins

Bearded Papa cleared his throat and leaned in close to the kid, his face a mixture of shock and disgust. "I suppose you mean..._candy wrappers_, am I right, kid?"

With a flick of his head he whipped back his hair, and smirked again, proudly.

"Yeah, what are you, deaf old man?"

The man scowled, trying to regain his composure at the pompous brat. He leaned further into the counter, eyes roving over the stunned kids standing there in the shop-not to mention his own king who looked ready to fall.

"Don't you think you're a little too _young_ for that, boy?"

Swizzle had to hold back a laugh at the question as he held himself in place, arms still crossed with quite a swagger in his eyes. He shook his head, not even looking back at his king, and slammed his hands on the table.

"Haha, the Swizz? Don't think so mister! The jolly rancher's gettin juicier every day!"

And that was the king's breaking point. "O-oh my milk duds!" King Candy squeaked as he tumbled back onto the ground and dragged down half a shelf of pop with him.

"Oh, King Candy!" Bearded Papa yelped, staring over at the fallen king and the confused Vanellope. He glared at the boy. "Listen kid, make this quick because you're wearing my patience down!"

Swizzle just laughed, again, and shoved his coins forward. He failed to realize Gloyd and Rancis, who had just walked into the store together, and were staring at him-along with Taffyta and Candlehead, who approached the line and stood right behind him, confused looks on their faces.

"Alright, alright old timer, a carton of candy wrappers for the Swizz!"

"A-a CARTON?!" Bearded Papa barely managed to splutter out. "Kid are you crazy? There's about 200 wrappers in a carton!"

Taffyta and Candlehead exchanged wary expressions, while Rancis, however, clapped a hand to his mouth in shock, and Vanellope continued to try and revive her father.

Swizzle rolled his eyes, and his smile widened, lifting his head and raising his brow. He cackled as he began to explain.

"Well sir, I'm spending all week with her, in the castle, and...y'know, her candy is pretty lush, so..."

He heard Taffyta and Candlehead's laughter behind him, and once he saw the two giggling girls, he turned back to papa, his smile widening.

"Uh, make that two cartons."

That shut them up.

The disgusted man angrily threw down two cartons of candy wrappers and shoved them towards the little rainbow punk. "That'll be six coins."

Rancis's baby blues were as large as dinner plates as he approached his friend. "Uh, Swizz?"

Vanellope with a waking King Candy was still just staring at them all with confusion, not understanding any of what was going on.

"Thank ya kindly, jeeves," cackled the boy, grabbing the boxes and shoving the coins forward. He took a step away from the counter and turned to the man

"Oh, before I forget," he cackled, grabbing one of his boxes and holding it up, "Got a dressing room I can use to try on these pretty pops?"

Rancis and Gloyd exchanged glances as they tried to keep from laughing.

Bearded Papa's face must has turned ten shades of red as his finger struck out to the direction of the door. "GET OUT!"

Snorting in the mixture of awkwardness and laughter, Rancis approached. "Um, Swiz? Two cartons?"

Swizzle cackled, tearing open one of the cartons, and popped one right out, holding it out to his blonde buddy. Another sly grin, and he gave his friend a look of pride and eager boldness.

"C'mon Fluggerbutter," he started, turning to point his thumb back toward the king's raven-haired daughter. "I know you been thinkin' about frosting her cake."

The child could only gape for a moment, his face heating more. The mortified King Candy just stood there, his hands flying to cover his baby girl's ears.

"Whoa, no way!" Rancis exclaimed. "I mean, sure...I...I like her and all, but Swizz, come on!"

Swizzle rolled his eyes at the child's stupidity. CLEARLY he was too immature for such a deed. The green-haired child again snorted crudely, and snatched back the wrapper that he had given the chocolate child, wagging his finger.

"Oh, sorry Fluggerbutt, I keep forgetting that your kit-kat isn't crunchy enough. Guess you'll just have to wait before you butter her baked goods, eh?" Rancis looked at him with complete horror, stepping back. "But hey, a little hard candy won't hurt her. Guess I'll just be the one to deliver the duds!"

"...THAT DOES IT!" the normally sweet and jolly king burst out with an enraged roar. He practically shoved his daughter behind him and swooped in on the boy like a hawk, grabbing him by an ear and twisting it until the brat squealed.

"BY THE TIME I'M THROUGH WITH YOU, YOUR LITTLE CABOOSE WILL BE AS RED AS THOSE CHERRIES YOU WANT TO POP!" He heard the tittering laughter of the girls in the shop and shut his eyes. "I did not just say that."

Swizzle squealed as the king began dragging him off by the ear, while another of the king's hands grabbed the back of his daughter's collar as he muttered venomously about wiping the child's memory and kill whoever decided to introduce Swizzle to _candy wrappers_.


End file.
